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Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Cheap Seats: You said it

Thursday, March 17, 2005

After recently reading an article by free lance writer Paul Katcher about movie quotes and the post Oscar buzz that still is invading our TV sets, I thought it was appropriate to once again spread my knowledge on the world of cinema over all you card carrying members of the Cheap Seats Nation out there.

As you may or may not know, I somewhat consider myself a movie connoisseur and also have been known to dominate a game of Scene It? whenever the chance arises. Basically, if I'm not watching, writing or thinking about sports it's a good bet I'm watching, writing or thinking about movies.

And nothing is better than when I can combine the two of them.

So let's take a look at the Cheap Seats Top Thirty sports related movie quotes of all time.

30) Sandlot

"You're killing me Smalls."

Sandlot was a good one for the kid in all of us and Smalls' hat was the worst thing to grace the big screen since Steven Segal. Also, The Great Hambino may be the greatest wrestling name of all time.

29) Rocky IV

"I must break you."

Ivan Drago had little dialogue in this flick and Rocky Balboa single handedly ended the cold war.

28) Rocky II

[A reporter asks, "Rocky do you have something derogatory to say about the champ?"] "Derogatory? Yeah, he's great."

Get used to seing Rocky on this list. Genius dialogue from America's hero.

27) A League of Their Own

"Well, I could certainly use the money."

Rockford Peach manager Jimmy Dugan replies after Ira Lowenstein asks "If we paid you a little bit more, Jimmy, do you think you could be just a little more disgusting?"

Further proof that honesty is not always the best policy.

26) The Replacements

"Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever."

Great words from Shane Falco - THE Ohio State University.

25) The Hustler

"Fat man, you shoot a great game of pool."

Eddie Felson's final line in the movie. He walks out with a stack of money and, better yet, his pride.

24) The Big Lebowski

"Dude, this is a league game, the winner of this gets to progress into the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?"

Said Walter Sobchak while brandishing his pistol at the local bowling alley. Walter took his bowling a little too seriously. Word is he can find you a toe, you don't want to know how, but he can find you a toe.

23) Tin Cup

"Oh, he was the catcher on the high school baseball team. The star pitcher had a big-league curve. Not all of his pitches hit Roy in the mitt. Ouch. The team thought 'Tin Cup' was a whole lot better than 'Clank.' "

Never bet on a dog race with a stripper ex-girlfriend.

22) Days of Thunder

"He didn't slam into you, he didn't bump you, he didn't nudge you. He rubbed you. And rubbin', son, is racin'."

Tom Cruise's second best sports movie next to Color of Money.

21) Hoosiers

"Look, mister, there's two kinds of dumb. Uh, guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and, uh, guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don't matter, the second one you're kinda forced to deal with."

Words of wisdom from Hickory, IN.

20) White Men Can't Jump

"I'll tell you what. Why don't we take all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless, so maybe your mother will have a place to stay?"

Billy talkin' trash.

19) Major League

"Just a reminder, fans, about Die-Hard Night coming up here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant."

Harry Doyle may be the funniest sports character of all time. There are so many good quotes in Major League that I had to narrow it down to just a few. The whole movie is really note worthy.

18) Major League

"In case you haven't noticed -- and, judging by the attendance, you haven't -- the Indians have managed to win a few here and there and are threatening to climb out of the cellar."

I told you there was a lot of good ones.

17) Knute Rockne, All-American

"Sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to go out there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper."

That's just good stuff Ronnie.

16) A League of Their Own

"Uh, Lord, hallowed be thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank you for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is -- she kept calling your name. And God, these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. OK, that's it."

A prayer, confession and hillarious quote wrapped in one by Tom Hanks in his funniest role ever.

15) Rocky

"You're gonna eat lightning, and you're gonna crap thunder!"


14) Caddyshack

"He's a Cinderella boy. Turns his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left. And he's got a...it looks like he's got a eight iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion."

Carl Spackler - some say dreamer, others say greenskeeper.

13) Rocky IV

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I can change, and yous can change, everybody can change."

And the cold war comes to an end.

12) The Color of Money

"Money won is twice as sweet as money earned."

Fast Eddy knows what it's all about in this sequel to The Hustler.

11) Tin Cup

"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them."

Both are equally dangerous as well.

10) Kingpin

"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst."

Ernie McCracken's attempt to break Roy "Don't call me boy" Munson's concentration. Probably the funniest movie about bowling ever. Is that saying a whole lot?

9) Hoosiers

"I'll make it."

Hickory hero Jimmy Chitwood before he knocks down the big one - granny-style.

8) Rocky

"Yo, Adrian!"

Had to slip that one last Rocky line in there.

7) On The Waterfront

"You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it. It was you, Charley."

Terry Malloy's taxicab speech to his brother. Brando at his best. Also quoted by Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull as he prepares to entertain the crowd.

6) Swingers

"I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for SuperFan99 over here."

Not a sports movie (a great film in its own right) but a hilarious sports quote. Any kid my age knows what Vince Vaughn was talking about if they had a Sega Genesis. Honestly, not sure how this got in the top 10, but it makes me laugh. "You're money baby."

5) Caddyshack

"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one---big hitter, the Lama---long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

This is the longest quote and it comes from loveable greenskeeper Carl Spackler. I was going to cut it down, but it's just too good as is.

4) Bull Durham

"Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live ... is it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present."

Kevin Costner delivers some of the best quotes in the history of sports movies. I hear candle sticks make a nice gift, maybe find out where they're registered.

3) A League of Their Own

"Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying, there's no crying in baseball. Roger Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigsh*&. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? NO. NO. And do you know why?"

All together now "There's no crying in baseball."

I spent an entire summer on the couch with a broken leg the year this came out on HBO. I saw it a good 35-40 times.

2) Major League

"Juuuust a bit outside! He tried the corner and missed. Ball four...Ball Eight...Ball 12 and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded. How do they lay off of 12 straight pitches that close?"

What would have happened to Bob Uecker if he never did this movie?

1) Bull Durham

"Well, I believe in the soul, (edited).... the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. ."

I believe you.

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