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Friday, Apr. 29, 2016

Ross Rambles: Farewell column

Friday, April 1, 2005

This will be my last Ross Rambles column. I have taken a position on the editorial board of the National Enquirer magazine.

I'll soon depart this great city for a more urban environment. To the businesses and individuals in Cherokee to whom I owe money, rest assured that your checks are in the mail.

My primary duties at the Enquirer will be checking the veracity of the articles from the many talented and knowledgeable writers employed by that esteemed publication. I'll also make sure articles don't got no bad grammar or mispelings.

The Enquirer has also hired other members of the Chronicle Times staff.

Paul Struck is taking over the prestigious Inter-Galactic Desk at the Enquirer.

Troy Valentine has a position similar to mine. He will be checking the veracity of claims made in Enquirer advertising, with particular attention to products that enhance erotic pleasure.

Rhonda Fassler and Chris Reed will back up Troy in product testing.

Ben Carstens will create a sports department for the first time in the publication's history, with the primary focus being on ladies' mud wrestling.

Nancy Nelson will continue to write articles and take pictures of youth and family activities, the only difference being those activities will all involve violence.

Diana Otto and Vanessa Reusch will work in composing at the Enquirer, enhancing the realism in photos of two-headed babies.

Patrice Martin will deal with irate customers at the Enquirer as she does at the Chronicle Times, except that she'll actually be able to respond to customers in the manner they address her.

Nancy Hohbach will write a Winding Roads column condemning the moral decline in this country, as she has for the Chronicle Times, but her column for the Enquirer will give graphically detailed examples of that moral decline.

Ron Flewelling will write bizarre and twisted Backroads columns for the Enquirer, basically what he currently does for the Chronicle Times.

Well, that's my April 1 column and I hope you accept it with all the seriousness with which it was written.