Golf season is here and I suppose we'll all hear the same old worn-out clichés and comments while out on the course this season.
You know, tired old sayings like - "Awesome!" "Get in the jar!" "Hit a house!" "Sit!" "Drive for show, putt for dough!" "Right down the old FM!" "Never up, never in!"
Well, I think it's time for some new golf course discourse, of course. So I've researched the annals for some stuff that just might add a little pizzazz to your golf rounds this summer. Some, you've probably heard before. But what the hay...
"I'm playing like Tarzan and scoring like Jane." (Chi Chi Rodriguez).
"I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play." (Joe E. Lewis.)
"I'm not saying my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." (Miller Barber).
"I don't like to watch golf on television. I can't stand whispering." (David Brenner).
"Eighteen holes of golf will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk." (Grantland Rice).
"Give me golf clubs, the fresh air and a beautiful partner and you can keep the golf clubs and the fresh air." (Jack Benny).
"I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters." (Bob Hope).
"Golf is like a love affair: If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart." (Arnold Daly).
"If people gripped a knife and fork like they do a golf club, they'd starve to death." (Sam Snead).
"Once, golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it." (Buddy Hackett).
"The only reason I played golf was so I could afford to go fishing and hunting." (Sam Snead).
"I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them." (Harry Toscano).
"Middle age occurs when you're too young to take up golf and too old to rush the net." (Franklin Adams).
"I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade." (Bobby Jones, when told it was 105 degrees in the shade).
"Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." (Chi Chi Rodriguez).
"My best score ever is 103, but I've only been playing 15 years." (Alex Karras).
"I always keep a supply of stimulants handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy." (W.C. Fields).
"My family was so poor they couldn't afford any kids. The lady next door had me." (Lee Trevino).
"It's embarrassing. I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and 10 minutes later he comes back with a ham on rye." (Chi Chi Rodriguez).
And, of course, one of the greatest assessments of the game of golf by none other than that wily wascal Mark Twain: "Golf is a good walk spoiled."