I had a wild dream the other night in which Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens were in this horrific fist fight and I didn't know who to root for.
As two of the most despised guys on the planet, along with the people who invented Algebra and those little tinfoil catsup packets, Bonds and Owens are in the newspapers and on the TVs and radios almost every day.
Like yellow teeth, an ex-lover with halitosis, a mean neighbor with a pit bull, and the big bad wolf, most people just want them to go away... forever... not leaving a trace of anything behind.
But, no-o. Another sucker offers Owens another fat NFL contract, and Bonds insists on now playing the poor, misunderstood victim even willing to drag his children through the muck while the steroid and Grand Jury perjury charges explode all around him.
If they weren't both so pitiful and each the epitome of The Ugly American, they'd be the laughing stock of the world; a comedy act rivaling Martin and Lewis, George and Gracie, the 3 Stooges, the Keystone Cops, the Marx Brothers, and Milli Vanilli.
Bonds and Owens are sick puppies. To them, truth is a mystery. They have no regard for their respective sports or their fellow man. They have a sense of entitlement beyond the imagination. And they have a disdain for the rest of us that can only signify the fact they see themselves as deities above it all.
Again I'm reminded of an ever-so appropriate Bob Dylan lyric - "I wish that for just one time, you could stand inside my shoes. You'd know what a drag it is to see you."
Specifically, as distasteful as Owens is, Bonds take the cake and has been in more headlines recently with the focus now on baseball and the two books out there unequivocally proving he has used steroids to build up his body and hit home runs.
With all this in mind, and in honor of David Letterman's birthday, I offer you my Top Ten List of things to say if you ever come face-to-face with the phony-baloney San Francisco Giant creep.
(10) Barry, your poor back! Is that acne from the steroids or wounds from your bed of nails?
(9) Barry, this is your mistress, Kimberly. I heard you got married again. That really ticks me off. Come and get your chemicals and syringes, Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, 55-gallon drum of ginseng, railroad tanker of Clearisil, and size 27 hat.
(8) Barry, your train leaves in 10 minutes. Please be in front of it.
(7) Barry, not to say that steroids and HGH made you ugly or nothin', but I heard you have to tie a steak around your neck to get your dog to play with you.
(6) Barry, do you want us to accept you as you are, or do you want us to like you?
(5) Barry, here's a quarter; go call all your friends and bring me back the change.
(4) Barry, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
(3) Barry, is it true your first wife took you to work with her so she wouldn't have to kiss you goodbye?
(2) Barry, there are several people in the world I find totally repugnant and you are all of them.
And the number one thing to say to Barry Bonds if you ever come face to face with him:
(1) Barry, you're so big from all those steroids and HGH, I heard you went to the beach and Greenpeace tried to drag you back into the water!