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Friday, May 6, 2016

From the Midway: How to make a case for war

Thursday, November 1, 2007

So I guess last week we started a new war campaign. The major media claims that the White House is "beating the drums of war." It's apparent that the war in Iraq went so well that we should expand it. Good job, everybody.

So what should we do to help out our country with this new war or to start a war at home? First, we need to find a country that has different ideology than we have. Next, the country we go to war with has to be lead by leaders who don't share our religion. That way, we can claim they don't know any better and we're making war to save them.

We should also try to scare our fellow Americans by claiming that our enemies have weapons that could kill us at any time. (It doesn't mater if they really have them or not. You just have to think that they might). It does not hurt if they have a large oil supply too. The only thing that I can't figure out is after we take their oil, how do we make the American people pay twice as much for it? I'm sure we will find a way. After all, we're paying 90 bucks a barrel right now.

Next, I think we need a catchy name. I like the term President Bush used the other day ‘World War III.' Sure it's been used before but people in this country love sequels. Plus, you can't go wrong with a classic. In never liked the name of ‘Operation Iraqi Freedom' it just never sounded tough to me. Not like ‘Dessert Storm' now that was a name. It just pulsed with danger.

If we're going to invade another country, we may have to send our Secretary of State to the United Nations with some pictures that we claim are either missile silos or mobile launching device. But the joke will be on them. The picture will only be of a septic pond and a semi-truck. It doesn't matter if the UN believes us or not. We really don't need them anyway. We're just being polite by telling them what we want to do. Just because we're going to war doesn't mean we not have to forget our manners.

Now this next rule is important. If we don't get the UN's OK to make our new war then we have to find a few countries to go along with us, just to make it look like our war will be justified. It doesn't matter what countries, any will do. It's like in the old days when we would gather up a posse. Boy - weren't those days fun? You just can't go wrong with a mob of scared angry people.

All right, I know what you're thinking, "How are we going to pay for our new war?" Well, you have to get members of Congress to go along with you. They will hesitate at first because it might cost them votes at home if they do something that the people don't want. So that's where you and I come in. As long as we chant in the streets for our new war or do nothing at all, the members of Congress will go along with the President's plan.

Well now that Congress is on board, we can get the money. Here's the beauty part of having a war nowadays, we don't have to pay for our new war at all. That's right, no out of pocket expense. We'll just make our kids pay for it. They will thank us some day. We really don't need a health care system, Social Security, or national infrastructure. That's just crazy talk. Or we'll just barrow the money. I'm sure somebody out there will give us a few billion at a decent interest rate.

So that leaves us with the American soldiers. Well to be honest, we do not have as many soldiers as we used to. But we can always fix that. We can enact the draft, and that will give us the force we need to spread our idea of freedom to any country at gunpoint. For more information on how to start a war, you might want to contact the White House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. They have many tips to help you start your own war at home. Remember we have to attack our enemies before they attack us.

Mike Leckband
From the Midway