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Struck Strikes Out : On the tee, you emboldened creeps

Monday, June 9, 2008

Playing in the preferred fivesome several years ago, the United States oil executives lit each other's massive, male-enhanced cigars on the first tee of the Dubai Freaking Unfathomable Resort & High-Roller Golf & Country Club.

Also on hand were the stunning caddies - a bevy of beautiful marvels on loan from Hefner's Playboy Mansion, their thongs wondrously lined with extra tees, score cards, and pencils shaped like those chrome babes on grills and mud flaps you find at truck stops.

If this were not enough in this land of luxurious, Hedonistic excess, the course was brimming with topless Hooters girls on every hole, bouncing merrily around on pogo sticks and serving drinks and snacks to the filthy-rich oil men.

Ala the 1970s for these baby-boomer oil tycoons, there also were sexy Go-Go girls in bikinis in cages on every tee and adjacent to every green, gyrating like Sienfeld's Kramer who had just stumbled with a bouquet of sweet clover into a colony of angry African bees.

"I have an idea," said the Chevron executive. "Er, actually, ExxonMobil, ConocoPhillips, Shell, BP, the current administration, a few close friends from the Middle East, and that O'Reilly guy have an idea.

"Uh, we think we should give those poor, hard-working, American farmers and their lenders just what they want - let's triple the market price of corn and soybeans. Just think what that would do to the farm belt! They want an inch, let's give them a mile!

"And, how would we do it? Let's allow Congress to pass bills that would approve and encourage the production of ethanol and biodiesel from corn and soybeans. Let's allow government loans and subsidies that would help finance the construction of massive ethanol and biodiesel plants right in the heart of the Midwest. Let's mandate that all states mandate that all United States vehicles use a percentage of grain-based alternative fuels.

"Of course, it will hurt us in the oil business initially, but think about it. As the farmers get higher and higher returns on the corn and soybean crops, and they make more and more from dividends on their investments in the ethanol and biodiesel plants, we can then start to hike gas and oil prices to keep pace! We see $5 per gallon of gas and record profits to compensate for them making record profits on their crops! Essentially, we'd be partners! We'd be scratching each others' back!"

"What would that do to food prices?" asked one of the caddies. "I sure like ice cream and hot fudge, especially when it's smeared all over my body!"

"Look," explained the oil man to all present, "Who cares about the four Fs - food, feed family, and finances? The American public fell for the contrived coffee, sugar and fuel shortages in the 70s. They now don't hesitate at paying $10 a pound for a steak that used to cost $3, or $5 a pound for a pork chop that used to cost $2, why would $5 gas bother 'em? They need it, their cars need it, they will just have to cut out spending on other, more frivolous things, like family vacations, trips to the doctor, visiting aged relatives, going to church, to school events, to the theater, scooping the loop, fishing trips, and asparagus and mushroom hunting."

Wth that, the five men teed off, took a puff of their cigars, checked their caddies for ticks, sucked down a drink from the Hooters girls, scooped a dollop of caviar on their corn chips, hopped in their air-conditioned Rolls Royce golf carts and headed down the lush fairway, hell-bound into their never-ending Land of La-La.

Meanwhile, a wide-eyed George W. Bush, following the oil men as always, was in the last group with his advisors, hitting from the women's tees and pondering an economic stimulus tax package to help minimize the chances that gullible John Q. Public would ever balk at paying $5 a gallon.

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