In honor of St. Patrick's Day, the Iowa Alcoholic Beverages Division offers consumers 12-steps to a safe holiday. Specifically, for those revelers who plan to imbibe on the occasion, please consider the following whimsical suggestions:
1. There is nothing magical about green beer. It is just as intoxicating as beer that has not been dyed with food coloring.
2. A thimble or two is all it takes for a leprechaun to become inebriated, while the average adult male weighing approximately 200 pounds only requires 4 to 5 green beers to become similarly impaired.
3. The Celtic tradition of corned beef and cabbage will slow the absorption rate of alcohol into the bloodstream, thereby reducing the rate at which one becomes intoxicated.
4. Consumers shouldn't rely on the luck 'o the Irish to get home safely on St. Patrick's Day as it will take more than a four-leaf clover to redress an Operating While under the Influence (OWI) conviction. The estimated total cost of a first-offense OWI penalty in Iowa is $5,738.
5. Pints of Guinness, Irish Stout or Irish Ale all possess the same alcohol content - 12.5 proof (5% alcohol by weight).
6. The average Sons of St. Patrick's Day parade lasts approximately one hour - the same amount of time required for an adult male to metabolize a single green beer.
7. Irish whiskey is 80 proof (32% alcohol by weight), while Bailey's Irish Cream is 34 proof (13.6% alcohol by weight). A shot of Irish whiskey, therefore, contains more than twice the alcohol as a shot of Bailey's.
8. An Irish Harp will surely make your soul weep. Alcohol, meanwhile, also causes dehydration so be sure to replenish your liquids throughout the day by drinking water as well.
9. Remember, March 17th is St. Patrick's Day, not St. Patrick's Day and Night. Most OWI offenses are the result of extended drinking sessions as the average person, again, only metabolizes one drink per hour.
10. Avoid a similar fate as Irish Playwright and Poet Brendan Behan, self-described as "a drinker with a writing problem," who died of excess.
11. Those who kiss the Blarney Stone are said to receive the gift of eloquence. Those who fail to heed this advice may kiss the blarney porcelain instead and receive the gift of a hangover.
12. Remember on St. Patrick's Day...Everyone is Irish!
The Iowa Alcoholic Beverages Division encourages everyone to have a safe, enjoyable and responsible St. Patrick's Day.
Erin Go Bragh!