[Masthead] Overcast ~ 42°F  
High: 54°F ~ Low: 43°F
Friday, Apr. 29, 2016

Struck Strikes Out : The devil's in the details

Friday, March 26, 2010

It's kinda weird, considering he's the phoniest pro athlete I've ever encountered, but as a journalist, I'm kinda likin' the new evasive and elusive diva, Tiger Woods.

Just imagine the luxury of living a smug life without detail, answering to no one.

"It's in the police report. I have nothing to say."

"That's a private matter between Elin and me."

"Why I went to an addiction clinic for rehab is a private matter I won't go into."

"Nobody knew anything about it but me. I was the only one."

"I had this sense of entitlement and it was wrong. I wasn't raised that way (even though his late father labled him a Messiah who would trascend the world and golf...at age 10!)."

Talk about stress-free living. It's almost as sublime as playing golf for free all day on the world's finest courses, sucking down a few comped brewskis and a gourmet dinner with your pals, and then making love to beautiful women into the wee hours. Every day!

Oh yes, and then go home to a $1 billion mansion, a $100 million yacht, and a gorgeous, loving and naive wife.

But something that outrageous only happens in fairy tales, right?

So, in the future, I can see Tiger continue playing and excelling in professional golf. The only change, though, will be the way he talks about his game with reporters afterwards in his new vague, poor me ways, void of much detail.

It's safer that way when you have so much to hide, right Tiger?

*So, Tiger, congrats on winning the Masters. What club did you hit from the fairway on the 18th hole that set up that critical birdie that won you the tournament?

"Uh, I think it was one of those iron thingees in my bag next to those big metal thingees. It might have had a 6 on it, or maybe a 9, I'm not sure if those numbers are right-side up, or right-side down. That always throws me."

*That putt you sank on the first hole at Amen Corner tied you for the lead. Tell us about that.

"Stevie (caddie) handed me one of those iron thingees with a flat head and I hit the ball with it and it went into this hole on the green. They say that's what you're supposed to do in golf. That's how you finish the hole out. And after 18 of those babies go down, you're done for the day and on to better things, unless there's a playoff or weather delay or something."

*How did you manage to hit that ball out of the water in Rae's Creek onto the green?

"I walk on water. I just took my stance, went down after the ball and splashed it on the green. Done it a bunch in my career."

*What club did you use for that shot?

"I think it's the one with the PVC shaft marked 'water wedge.' It floats. Mickelson has one, too, but he can't walk on water and they only come in righty, so he never uses it."

*Elin and the kids are usually here to congratulate you. Where were they today?

"Uh, maybe she got lost in the house back in Florida. It happens all the time. Lots of rooms and stairs and mirrors. Man, you can sneak people in there at all hours day or night and nobody ever knows...ahem, we're here to talk about golf. Stick to the script."

*This is your fifth green jacket. How's it feel?

"Same old...nice wool/poly blend, brass buttons, narrow lapels, size 46 long. Besides today, I break one out every St. Patrick's Day."

*Are you Irish?

"Naah. They marry for life."

*What was the toughest distraction for you on the course today?

"Stevie's Kiwi accent. It's starting to really get to me. And when he beat the hell out of that guy in the wheelchair for flicking on his oxygen tank in my downswing. I lost my focus for a second."

*What's it like once again to be sitting here a champion in Butler's Cabin in these wonderful stuffed, leather chairs, with the fireplace crackling amidst all these gorgeous volunteers from Augusta Hooters, and ESPN's Erin Andrews in a mini-skirt standing by to interview you?

"Is this Heaven or Iowa? Uh, none of this matters. I'm heading straight home to finish my Buddhist's First Coloring Book. I'm starting over, you know. Staying between the lines is really tough one-handed. Elin's in Sweden with the kids. Something about renewing her driver's license to drive on the right side in the States and she wanted to make sure where to put the kids' car seats. She may be there quite a while. Those driver's license tests are in Swedish and all that language she can remember is #$^+@you&your^*$#@+%whores!' My Mom's watching the house and yacht. She must have developed allergies. Ever since Thanksgiving, she cries all the time."

*Have you ever taken performance enhancing drugs?

"Hey, it's just a little acne. Too much chocolate. And my shirt sleeves ripped when I hit that ball into the azaleas on #5. And if you're talking about me lifting that golf cart with the foursome still in it out of the hazard during a practice round, it's always pick and place on practice days at Augusta."

*What's next for Tiger Woods?

"Uh, take some time off. Maybe play in some future major tournaments. Take some time off. Spend time with family. Take some time off. Work on hitting those big metal thingees off the tee. Take some time off. Get another Nike Swoosh tattoo on my you know what."

*You know, anymore, you're really a terrible interview.

"It's the new Tiger, sir. What you don't know can't hurt me. It frees you, man. Get yourself a PR firm, a greedy corporate sponsor, and be free. Now, I've gotta go. I'm going to celebrate this win and I need to think about which one it's going to be tonight."

*Which one what?

"I don't know what you're talking about. This interview is over."