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Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Basic Biittner : More groans

Thursday, July 15, 2010

They say the ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the

highest level of language development. Here are the ten first place winners

in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per

passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,

"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The

other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a

root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were

standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about

an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But

why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand

chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them

goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in

Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself

to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that

she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they

opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy

flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the

competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival

florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to

"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their

store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they

did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from

bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super

calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to

friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did

Sorry, folks. I didn't create these (though I kinda wish I had). Many thanks to my daughter Rhonda for sending these along.

Dan Whitney
Basic Biittner