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Saturday, Apr. 30, 2016

Struck Strikes Out: On the wings of a snow white dove...

Monday, March 28, 2011

(Photo)
Ok, hunters. You win.

You finally enticed enough wishy-washy Iowa legislators to see it your way and declare war on mourning doves - the global symbol of peace.

Like thieves in the night, the Senate introduced the bill and passed it, the House then held its collective nose and broke protocol and hurriedly passed it, and our new old Governor Terry Branstad, perhaps as a little boy traumatized in church by a picture of a foreboding dove on a stained glass window, checked off on it and now it's the law.

Hunters can buy a license and fire away in season on these small, delicate, friendly, former fluffs of freedom.

To the victors go the spoils. If hunters - as they claim - are going to hunt and shoot down doves for food, somebody better quickly react. After all, there has been a hunting ban on doves in Iowa for 93 years. There just ain't any decent recipes for such tiny "birds of pray."

So, to show you that my heart is in the right place, here are some delicious, mouth-watering dove recipes.

*Dove Noodle Soup

Chop four carrots, four celery sticks, one green pepper, one onion. Mix in pan with two cups of water. Add pinch of salt and pepper. Bring to boil. Bring one 16-oz. bag noodles to boil in separate pan and add to mix. Cut off heads, legs and feet and de-feather and de-bone 127 doves. Cut wads of buckshot out of dove breasts. Sharpen scalpel and split dove breasts into two pieces. Split again and quarter. Get magnifying glass and locate dove meat on cutting board. Sharpen tweezers. To ensure separation, one by one, pick and drop dove meat into mix. Switch hands as they tire. When done, place pan on stove top burner and heat to simmer. Let cool five minutes. Serves: one.

*Dove Pot Pie

Chop four carrots, four celery sticks, one green pepper, one onion. Mix in pan with two cups of water. Add pinch of salt and pepper. Bring to boil. Stir in two cans of chicken or turkey gravy. Cut off heads, legs and feet and de-feather and de-bone 10 dozen doves. Remove buckshot (could be taxing). Sharpen scalpel and split dove breasts into two pieces. Split again and quarter. Get magnifying glass and locate dove meat on cutting board. Sharpen tweezers. To ensure separation, one by one, pick and drop dove meat into mix. Switch hands as they tire. Stir in one kilo of dried cannabis (not found in all grocery stores). Heat to simmer and pour mixture into pie dish pie crust. Stretch crust over top. Bake in oven at 250 degrees until Strawberry Alarm Clock CD finishes. Warning: May bring melodic malaise and sweets cravings to diners. Serves: its purpose.

*Pulled Dove Sandwich

Cut off heads, legs and feet and de-feather one dove. Sharpen tweezers and pull meat from bones. Mix in thimble with your choice of BBQ sauce. Spread pulled dove between two worn Cabela's caps. Salt and pepper to taste. Serves: entire paint ball team.

*Dove Buffalo Wings

Because of a dove's tiny size, you're going to need to form a hunting party of several hundred complete with double barrels and over-and-unders in each hand, cell phones, 4WD and all-terrain vehicles, GPS units, tasers, dogs, camo gear, face paint, satellite feed, aerial surveillance, radar, tractor-trailer full of beer and brandy...aw, who are we kidding? Go to Hooters and eat the real thing!

*Dove Kiev

Marinate one dove breast in garlic butter overnight in shotgun shell casing. Place breast in roaster (the dove breast! the dove breast!). Cut slit in dove breast and with a syringe add cream cheese, ranch dressing, and a shot of white wine. Wrap with bacon strips. Bake in oven at four degrees for 20 seconds. Serves: as very tasty but tiny appetizer. Then, go buy a chicken!