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Thursday, July 10, 2014

Basic Biittner : You can't make this stuff up

Monday, June 13, 2011

It's been a while since I graced these pages with my enlightened observations, and I finally figured out why. Before I explain,here are some reasons I eliminated :

1) It's not because I've been far too busy (though I have, of course)

2) It's not because I don't have any opinion on things . I don't - but I stated a long time ago that this is NOT an opinion column, because I don't have any opinions.

3) It's not because I've been on vacation (though I certainly wouldn't mind taking a few weeks off ...)

4) It's not because I've been brooding about the dismal showing of "my" Yankees this season (they haven't been great, but they've been battling for first place all season) and

5) It's certainly not because there haven't been any goofy things worth commenting on. In fact, I think the reason I haven't been commenting lately is because some things are just so wacky in this world today that any pithy, sarcastic, humorous comments I might choose to make about them just couldn't top "the real thing" (and no, I'm not talking about Coca Cola). Here are a few recent news items:

Sarah Palin commented on Paul Revere's ride, in which she said he was firing off shots to warn people that the British were coming. I don't remember reading that version in my American History courses. Maybe Sarah was just trying to placate her NRA supporters?

John Edwards. What can I say? Has any public figure in recent history fallen so far so fast?

The NFL lockout - The courts don't want to mess with this, and suggest that the two sides just "sit down together and work it out between yourselves." I'm pretty sure that their inability to do so was the reason the whole mess wound up in court, was it not?

The once - proud football program at THE Ohio State University has basically imploded, thanks to a coach who looked the other way while his players were breakin a lot of rules. A seemingly nice, clean-cut guy in a natty sweater vest, Jim Tressel has now been involved in two highly successful programs which wound up under NCAA investigation. He is apparently the John Calipari of college football.

An entire group of Newt Gingrich's leading campaign strategists resigned Thursday. Certainly a novel approach for campaign strategy, I must say.

Shaquille O'Neal retired the other day. Instead of the usual retirement announcement at a lone microphone set up on a table in some drab room, Shaq went out in style. He invited reporters to his home in Orlando, and served refreshments while providing scribes with a lot of funny sound bites. My favorite was Shaq's relating a recent conversation with his father. It went something like this, according to Shaq: Dad: "How many points did you score, son?" Shaq: "28,000." Dad: "You'd have scored 30,000 if you'd have shot free throws the way I taught you."

Shaq also announced that he was retiring his nicknames, and then promply gave himself a new nickname: The Great AARP. He may not have been the greatest hoops player ever, but he was certainly the most entertaining.

Speaking of the NBA, who'd have ever thought that the star of this year's playoffs would be a white guy who sounds a little bit like Henry Kissinger when he talks?

And finally, there's the congressman from New York, whose name alone would be enough to inspire our Beavis and Butthead, 9th grade boy inner selves, but who then topped himself by committing an inappropriate, yet so ironically apt, blunder.

Like they say, "You can't make this stuff up."

Dan Whitney
Basic Biittner