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Sunday, May 1, 2016

Struck Strikes Out: Bully for coaches' retorts

Monday, August 6, 2012

The continuing problem of meddlesome parents confronting their children's youth and prep coaches over playing time, positions, teammate jealousies, etc. has simply got to stop.

Many times a coach is caught off guard by the timing and bold and callous disrespect some parents display because they're not pleased with how coach is treating their kid.

With that in mind, thanks to the wonders of today's Internet, I'm going to steal, spin and apply verbal comebacks for youth and high school coaches everywhere who've found themselves in the cross hairs of a confrontational parent who knows everything about everything when it comes to their darling child.

Things coaches would love to say to offensive, interfering parents:

*I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

*I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

*How about never? Is never good enough for you?

*I see you set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

*I bet you're really easy to get along with once people learn to properly worship you.

*I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

*I'm out of my mind, but please feel free to leave a message.

*I really don't work here. I'm a consultant.

*It sounds like English, but I can't understand a thing you're saying.

*I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

*You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

*I'm already envisioning the duct tape over your mouth.

*I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

*Thank you. We all are refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

*Any connection between your reality and the rest of the world's is purely coincidental.

*What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

*I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

*It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

*Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

*And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be?

*This isn't an office. It's hell with flourescent lighting.

*I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

*Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

*Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

*You're dumb enough to be twins.

*I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

*Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

*Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

*I thought I wanted this career, but I just wanted the paychecks.

*I hope you counted the steps on your way up here, because you won't have the opportunity on the way down.

*I've never met anyone like you. Was canonization taxing?

*If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Have at it coaches. Your time has come.