Editorial

Gropey - the 8th Dwarf

Friday, December 22, 2017

The world was agog today with the news that Snow White had alleged that she was groped 70 years ago by not one, not two, but all seven of the dwarfs she once cradled in her bosom in a cottage in the woods.

As the story goes, jealous of Snow White's beauty, the wicked queen orders the murder of her innocent stepdaughter, but later discovers that Snow White is still alive and hiding in a cottage with seven friendly little dwarfs. Disguising herself as a hag, the queen brings a poisoned apple to Snow White, who falls into a death-like sleep that can be broken only by a kiss from the prince.

When Snow White awoke, she was charmed by the Seven Dwarfs: Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Doc, Bashful, and Sleepy. The Dwarfs wanted to protect the beautiful princess from the evil queen, so they invited Snow White to live with them. And that’s when all the alleged sordid gropings occurred.

Falling in line with today’s trend of hundreds of women alleging groping by man equalling 15 minutes of fame, recaptured beauty and maybe a career, total ruination of a man, and a good shot at a book deal and the world by-God noticing them again.

Hell hath no fury...

Enter Snow White, who alleges in order:

•Dopey - He acted non-intelligent, but charmed me into situations where I let my guard down. One time he touched my bare hand when I was teaching him the ABCs!

•Sneezy - He always faked a runny nose. Once I offered him a tissue when he sneezed and put his hand up to cover his nose and brushed against my bosom! Sex assault!

•Happy - I saw Happy sad one day and gave him a hug and that little X#$%$# hugged me back! I’ve never been so molested!

•Grumpy - All I was doing is trying to cheer him up one night in my nightie by the fireplace and he looked right down my cleavage and suddenly he wasn’t so grumpy anymore! Pervert!

•Doc - Yes, we sometimes played doctor and I really enjoyed his skills with the stethoscope until he said he could hear me breathing harder and that’s sex abuse and nobody’s business but mine.

•Bashful - Yes, he was shy, until I caught him sorting through my lingerie drawer and he stared at me like I was some sex object. Me! Snow White! Don’t I have a right to shop Victoria’s Secret? Sex addicr!

•Sleepy - Don’t let those droopy eyes fool you. He’s always on the make - the first to bed, the last to sleep! With eight of us in the bed, it was tough to know who’s nuzzling who and Sleepy was the wakest. Is that a word?

The Prince - And then he kised me. Molester! Abuser! Addict! Derelict! Pervert! Male!

Talk about a Grimm story.