Paranoid sore loser? Who, me?

Wednesday, November 11, 2020

We have it on good authority that “Biden Time” is clandestinely scouring 2020 presidential vote totals in the Midwest Red Wave states of Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota, and North Dakota because of their inexplicable overwhelming support of a loser.

And you conspiracy theorists still arguing whether earth is round or flat, or that Michael Jackson was the first man to moonwalk, take note. Among the many allegations being bandied about by “Biden Time” are:

•When Iowa Gov. Kim Reynolds wasn’t looking, Tom Vilsack swiped her notary republic stamp and falsified not one but TWO! presidential election votes.

•As U.S. Senator-elect Joni Ernst was trying her best to locate Iowa on the red states map, a well-known Democrat operative who goes by the code name of “That Big Lug” pulled down the window shade, forcing Ernst to find Iowa in a really dim light. She finally did after Chuck Grassley lit his Zippo and guided her hand to “that weird shaped mass between two rivers where Bob Ray used to live.”

•At both Trump rallied at the airport in Des Moines, “Biden Time” directed one and possibly two DJT supporters to a neighboring crop sprayer’s dirt air strip near Casey where face masks were mandatory. They refused to go, saying they preferred Kum ’n Go.

•Refusing to loosen her grip on the podium at Mount Rushmore where she introduced her idol at a July 3 Independence Day photo op, S.D. Gov. Kristi Noem and her podium were dragged to the state capitol in Pierre where she presided over the election process by casting for and reeling in 70.4 million (all wet) Trump votes from Lake Oahe, which she quickly dried in Wall Drug microwaves and mailed to polling centers throughout the nation. She also shocked her idol when she told him that the Black Hills were not associated with Beyonce’s booty or where Black Lives Matter originated.

•To make Nebraska faces as red as the state’s political bent, a GOP Senator broke ranks by refusing to drink the party Kool Aid, and the Red Huskers lost to the Blue Wildcats in Big 10 football. Gov. Pete Ricketts now claims the Huskers won the game because they led 13-7 at halftime. He’s threatening to sue Evanston, Ill., the referees, the scoreboard operator, all vendors and concessions, the Wildcat band, Lake Michigan, and Nebraska coach Scott Frost for not naming himself starting QB.

• And we can’t forget North Dakota. Oh, yes we can. Just leave us the Roger Maris Museum in Fargo, the white buffalo at Jamestown, Teddy Roosevelt Park near Medora, and a few quarts of oil from the Bakken Range. Eh?

And if “Biden Time” makes you Blue, that’s a vast improvement over living in the Red the past four years.

Paul Struck