Welcome to Hog House Hills

Thursday, June 10, 2021

Cherokee Golf Course. Simple. Descriptive. But that moniker is a bogey in a birdie world.

It’s like calling Taj Mahal an events center. The Super Bowl a post-season game. Dylan and Springsteen vocalists.

Today’s generations aren’t flocking to the golf courses like the farmers and Arnie and Tiger lovers did the past 40-50 years, and the courses are financially strapped. You can’t swing a club with a smart phone in your hand. You miss the call to the tee when Kahlid and Drake are pounding gibberish into your EarBuds and you still have a minute left on your 3-minute doobie.

We need to add some fry-pan sizzle to our golf courses, including eye-catching names and signature holes. As Snoop Dogg says, “Just find the fine life, Baby.” And that fine life baby are those Glory Days we’re Born To Run on the golf course, with tee balls Blowin’ In The Wind and putts heading for the hole Like A Rolling Stone.

Rename Cherokee Golf Course “Hog House Hills.” It may take a little creative re-zoning and perhaps a payoff to some neighbors, but proceeds from a farrow-to-finish hog operation north of hole 3 would help finance the course and lead to exciting new branding of our revered 9-hole cathedral.

We used to call them “Country Clubs” - posh playgrounds for the wealthy with popular nighttime extracurricular activities after a few toddies at the 19th Hole. Today, it’s y’all come, Commoners.

“The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then, makes no difference what group I'm in. I, I am everyday people, yeah yeah.” And you don’t need to be too Sly to know it’s going to take everyday people to repopularize this wonderful, intriguing, difficult game.

Hog House Hills. Heck, they could host all 99 Iowa counties’ Pork Producers Tournaments. Cash on the barrow head. Replace fencing with hog gates. Score cards become Boar cards. Tee markers are hog heads on a stick. Flags are colorful pig breeds - Duroc, Berkshire, Yorkshire, Whites, Landrace, Poland-China…take your pick. Miss Piggy and Elmer Fudd flags on the signature holes. Mr. Potato Head flags on the practice green. Cars park in Porking Lot. Gift cards to Piggly-Wiggly. Rename annual match-play tourney The Sooey Valley.

Hog House Hills. A Cherokee and Iowa treasured attraction. Get to know pork. It can pay the bills. Re-brand every hole:

#1 Pulled Pork. Pull it left or right and in an oink and a squeal you’re in the wallow.

#2 The Gilt. Gawk at the young ladies in the pool as you pass by, lose your focus, card big number. Gilt feelings are real feelings, Porky.

#3 The Barrow. Left, right, or in the creek…you can lose your balls on this hole.

#4 The Pigtail. Turn #4 around and put tee where green is and green cut into hill where tee is. That makes #3 and #4 a “pigtail” with #4 becoming a signature hole! Bottleneck hitting to #4 before crossing creek to #3 would be a goner. Cut short walk from #4 green to #5 tee through the timber and repurpose that bridge to #5. Ham at it.

#5 Cayman Corner. Five green at far east end of course. Turn corner and head back west on #6. #5 long par-4. Play it safe and seductive, like a boar pushing a truffle up a hill to a hot sow.

#6 Farrow to Finish This hole runs adjacent to school house where we farrow to finish our children’s education and they learn their ABCs - Andouille, Bacon, Chops.

#7 The Weaner. Short Par 4. If you can’t get there in two you’re a weaner!

#8 The Runt. Par 3 wedge shot. Shortest hole on course. Don’t hit long. Homeowner back of green a real swine.

#9 Baby Back. Last hole. No matter how good or bad you played, you’ll be Back, Baby. Trade ribs with buddies at 19th hole. After all, golf is a real teat. Fun in the sun with friend and foe. Pig out at Hog House Hills.

And you better call ahead for tee times when Hog House Hills is on everybody’s menu and litters of golfers go whole hog on this unique bacon of light in a world dimmed by empty golf courses with boaring names.

Snout it to the heavens! We-we-wee it all the way home. Hog House Hills.

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