If you build it, the Bears won’t come

“The Rock Island Independents had a mighty fine line,” the Republican senators sang at the bar. “I may be right and I may be wrong but you're gonna miss me when I'm gone.”

So they pushed forward a bill that would put up a billion-dollar honey pot to attract the Chicago Bears to Iowa.

Then they all slid down into a heap. They wished Jim Thorpe and Duke Slater could walk out of that corn field to return to Douglas Field and a roaring crowd of 6,200 when the Minneapolis Marines floated down the Mississippi.

Those were the days, when Al Capone hung out at East Dubuque.

Let’s do it again! Another round for the house! It’s just tax money funneled through Debi Durham and the Iowa Department of Corporate Welfare.

They may be a toodle intoxicated but they appear to be serious.

Well, heck, Soldier Field is too small and Northwest Indiana is Northwest Indiana so Iowa might as well be Charlie Brown and try to kick the ball.

Property taxes are rising. The solution is to build a stadium at Bettendorf and sell pretzels that cost as much as a full meal in Hawarden. Schools are lagging Illinois. Young people are leaving. Bring in the NFL, obviously! That should fix Illinois Gov. Pritzker, a Democrat who has more money than all of Iowa despite living in Chicago. 

Problem is, the joke goes, if Iowa gets a pro team then Minnesota will want one.

Actually, we already have pro teams. God bless Audi Crooks for pulling down a queen’s ransom at Iowa State University, fresh out of Algona. The Hawkeyes score a touchdown and the quarterback gets a raise. We pay good money to watch perfection in punting. Athletic Director Jamie Pollard wants to turn the Iowa State Center into a jillionaire’s shindig.

These are not serious people running Iowa, says a friend who got stuck here on his way through from Duluth. You have to understand, son, we are a minor-league state with delusions of grandeur and an aching inferiority complex. Randy Feenstra’s governor campaign centers around not making Iowa into California (ban surfing), Minnesota or Illinois. It bugs us that they got all the action while we got stuck with Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor’s chicken litter.

We should be happy with the Iowa Cubs AAA baseball franchise in Des Moines. It is the prettiest place to watch a game. They get a fair crowd of 7,000 or so. The Quad City River Bandits draw 2,300 per game. If you spent a cool billion luring the Bears, you could get at least 5,000 per game. They would drive from as far as Maquoketa. If you offered free pork burgers, they might drive from Marengo. Not Council Bluffs. That is part of Chiefs/Royals Kingdom.

I understand the Iowa Barnstormers still play arena football. Des Moines and the Krause family are trying to get some pro soccer going. For a short spell we had the Iowa Cornets featuring Machine Gun Molly Bolin who is about to get Hall of Famed. The rafters rang for Caitlin Clark, who hauled in millions of bucks with swishes from the tiger hawk beak. Her grandpa coached at Loras and her dad played at Simpson, and that sort of Tall Corn thing. We thought she was cocky. How would we take to Jim McMahon wearing sunglasses indoors or the Fridge donning a fur coat in Muscatine?

The Field of Dreams is pure corny. The occasional major-league games are good, clean capitalism and make for quaint TV. It works.

Here’s what doesn’t work: Not knowing where you are.

Davenport is not Chicago. Des Moines is not even Omaha, which itself is no major-league sort of place. If you want to blow a billion, invest it in Iowa’s private colleges. We attract students from Chicago and even California to Storm Lake, Waverly, Indianola and Pella. Some play football. You can watch for free if you arrive after halftime.

Let’s invest in agronomy research at Iowa State that leads to real innovation. If you put a billion into K-12 public education, you might be surprised with the yield of spunk and creativity that rebuilds rural Iowa.

Republicans used to be born Iowa pragmatic. They wandered off the farm, got a taste of bubbly, and have come to believe you should buy them another round with your hard work. They are bribing Corteva to keep its seed company spinoff in Johnston, where Pioneer Hi-Bred was founded in 1926 just after Jim Thorpe ground up that Rock Island turf.

They have lost their way.

Small government my patoot.

They are drunk with power and stealing your money. Fortunately, an election will be held in November. Time for some Iowa common sense to return under the Golden Dome that you can see just over the center field fence at Principal Park. That view is good enough for a town this size. These property taxes are killing us.